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5 Super Powers You Can Have Today

Everybody wants superpowers, from the simple innocence of a child yearning for flight to the sad perversion of the Amish man praying for x-ray vision powerful enough to peep a lady’s calves. We all want to be superhuman, and you can start right now! This is but a sample of some of the currently existing (or soon to be developed) devices that can lend the average man abilities previously relegated to world of comic books.

Super Speed

super speed 5 Super Powers You Can Have TodayLeg amputees, if not wheelchair-bound, are often left struggling with awkward prosthetics, canes, and crutches. But now, with the aid of newly developed super-legs, even double amputees can run every bit as well as some of the world’s fastest sprinters. This all began in the 2000 paralympics (which I promise is a real thing and not just me being a bastard about wordplay) with a South African man named Oscar Pistorius who became the first amputee to complete the 200-meter dash in under 22 seconds, beating the previous world record, held by one Brian Frasure.

But there is some controversy over the legs’ use. While they only put out a 95% return of force as compared to the normal human legs’ 200% return, the running prosthetics also give the user a springing gait and increased stride distance, which could lend them an unfair advantage as well as a jaunty disposition. Considering that this story took place in the ancient days of the year of our lord, 2000, and the fact that the legs have since gone through countless permutations by a myriad of companies, many designs endow abilities well beyond typical human capacity. But there is a great tragedy being overlooked in this story: Brian Frasure, the previous world record holder, actually helped design these prosthetic carbon-fiber feet, and he was the one who gave them to Pistorius…who promptly proceeded to wipe Frasure from the record books with them.
The poor bastard. He’s probably working on a time machine right now, to prevent himself from ever building these legs. If so, knowing his track record, he will most likely be thwarted when somebody inevitably uses that time machine to steal his plans and then invent it before him. He will die as he lived, crippled (by irony.)
Bullet Proff

bullet proff 5 Super Powers You Can Have Today

D3O (d-3-o) is an exciting new development in bulletproofing material and not, as it sounds, a generic brand version of a Star Wars robot. Or rather, it’s an impact proof material which, in conjunction with already existing bulletproof materials, could provide true invulnerability to most gunshot wounds. As it stands now, you can survive many gunshot wounds with traditional Kevlar, but are likely to feel pretty poor afterwords, as the distributed force causes fleshwounds, broken bones and large concentric bruises – like getting your ass beat by the atmosphere. Oftentimes the impact from surviving a gunshot will temporarily knock the victim unconscious as well, leaving them vulnerable with a guy that has already made his feelings clear through the administration of bullets.
But D3O is set to stop that: It works kind of like cornstarch -iIt starts off as gel, but gets proportionally harder when more force is exerted on it (the dick joke here is just too easy, I have my standards.) When soft, the substance allows for greater flexure, but when rigid can reduce the strength of a bullet impact by more than half. And that’s what she said (I hate myself.)

The UK Ministry of Defense has already commissioned body and head armor using the new substance, obviously seeing the potential for better protection… or just because it looks really, really fun to grab. We’re talking bubble-wrap levels of tactile stimulation here, people.

Invisibility
invisibility 5 Super Powers You Can Have Today

Scientists are getting damn close to inventing a true invisibility cloak. Previous efforts, like the one pictured before – while still scarily advanced – are nonetheless always slightly inaccurate, because they rely on a camera/projector technique. Recently, a paper published in the March 2009 issue of SIAM Review collected all that we currently know about the method of invisibility, and it turns out it’s a lot.

We can not only render things invisible in theory by bending light waves around an object, but have even progressed so far as to be developing the metamaterials needed to bring the theory to life.
So, while it’s incredibly close but currently theoretical in the private sector, who’s to say that better-funded government scientists don’t already have a secret working prototype? How would you know, after all? They could be there right now…they could be….right…BEHIND YOU! Nah, I’m just kidding. Why would they be behind you? They’re invisible, after all. They’re probably right in front of you. Or in your bathroom, depending on their inherent creepiness and the severity of their pervert-mustache.
Spiderman Webs
spider webs 5 Super Powers You Can Have Today

Some of us, as children, saw Spider-man’s amazing agility and web-swinging prowess and were immediately struck with jealous awe. The desperation even had some of us – who shall remain unnamed and are in no way me – microwaving spiders in an attempt to harness their radioactive bite (all right, so some of us were a little more retarded than others.) Not like Liming Dai, and Zhong Lin Wing, two professors at the universities of Dayton and Georgia Tech, respectively, who invented a material with ten times better proportional sticktion (I swear to god that’s also a word) than a Gecko’s foot.

The true awesomeness of the material, however, is that the nanotube spatulae (basically microscopic hairs) design also allows the material to pull free with a well-placed tug, letting you adhere to virtually any surface as well as quickly remove from that surface for redeployment. Or, as your childhood selves would understand it: Holy Shit! We get to swing on webs now!
So on the upside: Childhood dreams realized! Let’s get to work on making Transformer Best Friends a reality and we’re all set. On the downside? Prepare for a massive Darwinian strike aimed solely at the ADD infested nerd-children of America. Their awkward, flailing flips and mid-air somersaults shall bring a reaping as terrible to endure as it is hilarious to see.

Super Sight

super sight 5 Super Powers You Can Have Today

Rob Spence, a filmmaker from Canada, had his eye wounded in a shooting accident as a child. Presumably furious at its weak character and lazy work ethic, Spence asked doctors to just completely remove it a few years ago, and now he’s getting it replaced with a small camera (of the type normally used for colonoscopies,) a battery, and a wireless transmitter – effectively turning him into a human documentarian capable of recording, broadcasting, and relaying literally everything he sees, as he sees it.
Clearly this is an advantage over other, larger, more expensive filmmaking crews, as it not only gives Scott a completely secret way to record, but makes him basically the world’s smallest, cheapest studio. But god, consider what he’s sacrificed to get here! Not only has he been shot in the eye, but he’s demanded that said eye be removed, years later, and then replaced with something that normally goes up your butt. The man’s got a butt-eye for christ’s sake! Van Gogh may have cut off his ear, but until he replaces it with a dick, Rob Spence wins for craziest gesture in the name of art, hands down.

Comments

  1. “Proff”? Seriously?

  2. I agree with Testy. And I dislike the way this is written…

  3. thats what she said…

  4. xenubuster says:

    But D3O is set to stop that: It works kind of like cornstarch -iIt starts off as gel, but gets proportionally harder when more force is exerted on it (the dick joke here is just too easy, I have my standards.)

    Dick joke? Really? This sounds like it was written by a 14 year old boy manic from antidepressants.

    oooh look: “-iTt” i snagged a bonus typo, too!

  5. Yes, this post is packed with typos, but it is also jam-packed with hilarity. Please proofread more, but please keep it coming!

  6. Transcription Outsourcing says:

    So…they’re not making something that’ll let us shoot webs, but something that will let us crawl on vertical surfaces. False advertising there buddy. But I would love some of that material myself, nonetheless.

  7. Kevin Xu says:

    I like the Invisibility cloak, I hope they will finished soon.

  8. Silvervick says:

    Whoever wrote this is hilarious! I really enjoy your sense of humor. I wish more people were like you!

  9. Kingpin Office Chairs says:

    Love invisibility suit… if only!

  10. Richard says:

    What? The Paralympics exists? Really? Surely not!

  11. I like the post and found it entertaining.
    The comments and criticisms are petty and reveal small minded, perhaps jealous, and shallow personalities.

  12. About Van Gogh…

    How should I put it? How about in Trekkie terms?

    “He’s dead, Jim.”

  13. Call Center Outsourcing Services says:

    I too would love some of that invisibility. Imagine the naughty things you could do with it. Like…scaring the hell out of your friends by moving things around while wearing an invisibility cloak. :D

  14. Sarasota Area Guide says:

    Weird, True, and Freaky !

  15. jazzballs says:

    This is utter shite,”This all began in the 2000 paralympics (which I promise is a real thing and not just me being a bastard about wordplay)”, mate, you ARE a bastard. Who would think that was wordplay? Who hasn’t heard of the paralympics? And to bg “…jam-packed with hilarity.” Are you effing kidding me?

  16. dalai lama says:

    Seriously!!! What the fu*k does it benefit anyone that someone has invented a invisibility cloak! Jesus Christ! if the same resources were directed towards medical research and agriculture, we’d be already for a long time out of the woods in regards to world starvation and dissease issues!

  17. Bob Dole says:

    @dalai lama

    Who gives a fuck about ridding the world of starvation & disease issues?

    I just want my bionic eye, and invisibility cloak. I couldn`t give a shit about dedicating resources to medical reasearch and agriculture. I wanna be an invisible cyborg, so i can hang around womens locker rooms and check out naked chicks….

    …AND RECORD THEM FOR LATER!

  18. dalai lama
    your a retard there will always be new diseases and viruses but having things like this will make it so cops are safer and seirously even if we did find cures for all diseases and put an end to hunger which would you rather have overpopulation or some badass stuff like this

  19. مرسي خيلي جالب بود

  20. These technologies sounds very interesting. For me the most interesting technology is the one with invisibility feature.

  21. B. Astard says:

    YOU LIED!

  22. 太神奇了

  23. Coollllllllllllllllllllll

  24. Randal Flagg says:

    I actualy seen what appeared to be the creature from the movie Predater. When it cought me looking at it it dissapeared compleatly, so in my honest oppinion I’d have to say that the invisable cloak is real and someone or something was wearing it. I saw this at our new Kroger store back around 1999-2000, And as to quote the movie “Those eyes they dissapeared”.

  25. i hope i would have enough money by the time the finish the invisibility cloak to buy one xD cuz i know it aint gonna be cheep! lol

  26. GuyOnaMission says:

    first off, nice report, great short stories.
    buddy… your sense of humor is awesome, don’t ever let anyone change it! not knowing everything and being able to laugh at it, is a great thing, and making jokes, is one of life’s best qualities and your writing style and reporting, is great! the 5 reports were quite impressive, I’ve know about a couple but not all, and they were enlightening.
    second for some of the commentators the ones that did not like or were being dismissive, there is nothing wrong to make light of wording, you have to take life in a lighter manner, he wasn’t insulting anyone! so people need to lighten up!
    thirdly all of these inventions are to better humanity, to bring it to more advancement, the eye to help a blind person, the legs to help the amputees(not sure what the correct term is i say it in no ill intent), the anti bullet is obvious, the spider web for arresting violent criminals instead of shooting to kill, the invisibility cloak for special forces to help arrest with criminals holding hostages etc… so all of these inventions could have good use to them… “It’s man kind’s mission to keep inventing in order to grow and assist in advancement for humanity, however it’s humanity’s responsibility to put the inventions to good use” it’s my own saying you are free to use it! and by all means tell it to dalai lama!

  27. انها اختراعات عجيبه يتمتع بها الأنسان بمينفع وليس للأعتدلء والظلم فقد شبع العالم كله من ظلم القوى ههم قبل فوات الأوانوالعدل ليس له مكان حتى عندمن يدعيه والتاريخ قد دون ذالك فهل يستطيع ظلمة البشر غسل وجو

  28. Cloud Server Hosting says:

    I am worrying about misuse of these powers when big Mafia will come to know about all these.

  29. Enrique says:

    haha to the guy who wrote the site, one funny guy man.

  30. u dont need to know says:

    whats up with all these lesbian pics

  31. Daddyoh says:

    I would love to be a mind reader! Then I’d finally figure out what the hell my wife is thinking!

  32. EmoGirl says:

    I wanna have super powers :o
    That could be so cool d:
    But a little weird too d:
    But hey everything is a little kind of wierd right? d:

  33. Phil E. Drifter says:

    Bullet proff?

    FAIL

  34. fuck you, i have ADD, lol ADD ppl arent nerds dumbass, we are too wild to be nerds. seriously blogging isnt your strong point go back to McDonalds

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