If you pay attention to the news, you may have noticed that a lot of people’s lives are getting ruined right now. People are losing their jobs, their life savings, and in places like Palestine, their lives. And you know what? Odds are that at least a few of you will have your lives ruined in a somewhat similar fashion, maybe pretty soon. Sucks to say, but it’s true. With this being the case, we suggest getting a jump on things and ruining your life in a really awesome way before fate has a chance to come along and ruin it for you. Here are some suggested methods.
Win the Lottery
Want a one way ticket to fun, followed by a one way ticket to misery and poverty? Win the lottery! There is nothing more rewarding than spending dump trucks full of money you never worked for on worthless shit you’ve always wanted, but never been dumb enough to pay for. Gold plated snow machines? Private sky diving lessons? Lamborghinis? They can all be yours for about four months! Then get ready for it to all disappear when everyone you ever loved calls in a favor/stabs you in the back/tries to have you killed. Seriously. And all of this is if you’re fortunate enough to not have a predisposition to drugs and/or gambling. If that’s the case, your first purchase should be a good lawyer and a tombstone, because you’ll be needing them both (not necessarily in that order). Success!
Get Hooked on High-End Hookers
Porn is cool and all, but let’s get real. You’re young, you’re trying to ruin your life, and getting caught surfing YouPorn by your girlfriend isn’t really going to deliver the the satisfaction you’re looking for. So what do you do? Empty what’s left of your savings, sell your car, get all your credit cards together, and get on the phone. Within minutes you can have any number of eager, 21-year-old party girls ready to do the nastiest sexy stuff you’ve only secretly dreamed of! Depending on how ruined your life is already, you may not be able to afford very much of this (these girls are expensive, like $5,000-an-hour expensive), but that shouldn’t dissuade you in the least. Set up a hidden video camera, tape you escapades, and when the luster of expensive love has worn off, put it up on the Internet! That way, your life is guaranteed to be ruined for years to come.
There is no better way to ruin your life in a hurry than getting hooked on a hard drug. Meth, blow, heroin… take your pick. They all pack a sadistic punch, are extremely addictive, and once you’re hooked you only have about a five percent chance of ever coming back. Life ruining achieved. So where does the ‘funnest’ factor come into this life ruining equation? For one thing, all of those drugs are incredible, and everything you’ve heard is true. Second, nothing makes sketchy friends faster than a well publicized drug binge. Third, have you seen the first half of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas? Forget the consequences, this is all about the experience. If you’re trying to ruin your life, there are few better way to go. Just ask River Phoenix.
Put Your Family on Reality TV
You have to be a bit of a dark sense of humor to choose this route. You also have to be kind of famous already. If you’ve got both of those things going for you, congrats, you can ruin your life and your family’s life in one quick season of garbage TV. Ozzy Osbourne started this trend in the early ’00s, and it’s been kept alive by everyone from Hulk Hogan to Danny Bonaduce . Just look how totally ruined their lives got! Both of Ozzy’s kids went to rehab, Hulk’s wife divorced him and his son went to jail, Bonaduce’s penis shrunk to the size of a pencil eraser because of his HGH addiction, and then his wife divorced him… The list goes on. Sadly, this method is reserved solely for the rich and has-been.
Move to Las Vegas
Vegas is the ultimate life ruining destination for countless reasons. Not only can it combine methods two and three in one convenient location, but add gluttonous weight gain, free booze, fast cars, easy money and hot sun to that already amazing combination, all within a four-mile radius. Ever been arrested for taking a shit off a 50-story balcony? Ever lost an entire year’s salary in less than thirty seconds? Ever overdosed on all-you-can-eat shrimp and strawberry cheesecake? Now’s your chance! Plus, once you’ve finished crapping on your life, you’ll find yourself in excellent company in Vegas. Why? Because everyone who lives there’s life has already been ruined!