If browsers were women
If your browser was a dude.
That’s right, of course Firefox is a geek. Not necessarily that much to look at from the outside. But woah there Nelly, once you get those cargo pants off and take a peek under the spongebob squarepants boxershorts this dude is HUNG. And, if you’re into it, he’ll totally do all sorts of nasty s**t that he learned from the 10 years spent jer**ng off exclusively to online and DVD filth. You know, before internet dating actually worked and he could meet a woman from so far outside his social circle she will never find out that in high school the football team made him drink his own urine from the toilet.
The web guy. This is the first man you dated post-college who wasn’t still working at the same lame-a*s job he had in college. That means he had good clothes, clean hair, and some money in the bank – while retaining most, if not all, of his youthful optimism. Sadly, CSS2, Ruby, Ajax and a bunch of other acronyms for s**t you don’t care about has left him robbed of all sex drive, and more perplexing, he seems unable to converse about anything that exists off the internet. Like, not even the weather. Eventually you dump his sorry limp a*s, and go back to dating the guy who still works as a waiter at Ho Jo’s but loves to go down.
If your ex, Web Guy plays his cards right, he may turn into the similarly emasculated, (but hiding it very well) Web Entrepreneur.
In the 90’s these guys were called EB2B specialists, or E-business, but they quickly realized that shit sounded lame. Following four years spent “discovering his strengths”, read: fired from early dot com, subsequently lived in parents basement jer**ng off to online p**n (see geek) which he watched on Internet Explorer – truly this man is a cypher. Anyways, after 4 years in ‘reflection’, out he crawls with sexy stubble and an airtight business model printed on high quality A4.
It’s so easy to hate this guy – with his jargon and his crummy taste in wine, that he thinks is awesome, because he read all about wine on About.com. But the real reason to hate him is that he invented Spouse 2.0. That’s right, co-dependence – reloaded.
Opera is Rusty, the lame scientist dad on the Venture Bros. You want to like Opera, but he’s balding and he’s whiny and he takes to long in the bathroom and when he comes out it really smells. But he pretends like nothing happened in there and proceeds to put his hands on your breasts, and smell your hair deeply.
And all you can think is “Rusty – did you wash your hands after taking that enormous dump?” But rather then asking, you just pack all his stuff for him and leave it in the hall when he comes home from work the next day. He still doesn’t understand why you harshed on him and blames you for the fact that he is so totally socially inept and has bad hygiene.
Chrome is Neo. He believes he lives in an elaborate hologram. Need I say more?