Technology has always played a big role in fighting terrorism. Some inventions are truly useful and will undoubtedly save lives, whereas others are so bizarre that one wonders how in the world they got patented. This list is about the latter: Behold the Top 10 Strangest Anti-Terrorism Patents!
(Note: yes, most of these patents cite fighting terrorism as raison d’être)
U.S. Patent 4667565, Rapid response patrol and antiterrorist vehicle by Reg. A. Anderson. Issued May 26, 1987.
Problem: Terrorists can pop up at any time, leaving local authorities totally defenseless against their raging attacks.
Solution: When terrorists walk past this non-descript truck parked quietly on the street, its roof pops out to reveal a machine gun turret! If that doesn’t strike fear into the heart of Jihadis, well … then we can still mow ‘em down!
Bonus: Also great for battling zombies.
Face Protector Against Poisonous Gas
U.S. Patent 7107990, Portable face protector for protecting human being from poisonous gas and securing visibility by Kuk-Bin Lee. Issued Aug 30, 2004.
Problem: Terrorists may use poisonous gas to terrorize civilians, and gas masks are not very attractive looking.
Solution: A portable face protector (10), probably inspired by Robin’s mask, and a piece of cloth (22) to cover the mouth and nose.
Bonus: Also protects against flatulence.
Biohazard Suit with Built-In Toilet
U.S. Patent 6920646, Human waste management suit, by Caleb Clark Crye, Gregg M. Thompson, and Eric Owen Fehlberg. Issued Jul 26, 2005.
Problem: You got to wear a biohazard suit to protect against biological or chemical weapons … but as soon as you put it on, you really gotta go!
Solution: A biohazard suit with a built-in toilet! Just squat a little bit and go.
Bonus: Hazardous fumes are sealed inside the suit, thus preventing embarrassing smell from adding extra stress to an already strenuous situation.
Potential Complications: How do you wipe?
Railroad Missile System
U.S. Patent 4896580, Railroad missile garrison system, by Ron Rudnicki. Issued Jan 30, 1990.
Problem: Terrorists may attack a missile silo, a stationary target if there ever is one.
Solution: Make it mobile. Here’s a patent for a railroad missile garrison system that launches ICBMs from rail cars of a train.
Bonus: Makes a great movie plot!
U.S. Patent 6591786, Device and method for safetly inserting an electronic device in an ear of a four-legged non-human trained animal, by Eric R. Davis. Issued Jul 15, 2003.
Problem: It’s well known that Al Qaeda terrorists hate dogs, but how do you tell the animals to get to these dirty SOBs if they can’t hear you? (You being a far away, of course, preferably in the safety and comfort of a bunker.)
Solution: a custom-fitting earpiece for dogs so they can receive verbal instructions remotely.
Bonus: The method specifically said four-legged non-human animal, so I’m thinking this will work with goats. Attack goats.
Airplane Trap Door
U.S. Patent 6844817, Aircraft anti-terrorism security system, by Wolfgang Gleine. Issued Jan 18, 2005.
Problem: Terrorists want to hijack a plane by trying to break down the cockpit door.
Solution: After hardening the cockpit door, airlines should add the next logical step: airplane trap door that springs open to entrap terrorists below deck.
Bonus: Great prank to pull on the co-pilot going on a bathroom break.
Improvement Suggestion: Add an alligator pit to the trap door … or better yet, some motherf-ckin’ snakes on the motherf-ckin pit!
Airplane Sleeping Gas System
U.S. Patent 6499693, Aircraft to respond to threats, by Ariel S. Rogson. Issued Dec 31, 2002.
Problem: Terrorists are almost successful in breaking down the cockpit door…
Solution: Gas ‘em! Here’s a system that puts incapacitating gas into the plane’s ventilation system. After everyone’s knocked unconscious, the pilot can land the plane and let the police deal with the hijackers.
Potential Complications: Better hope the terrorists aren’t carrying the Face Protector Against Poisonous Gas invention listed above. Also, the gas knocks out everybody, passengers and terrorists alike, which leads us to …
Passenger Control System During Flight
U.S. Patent 6970105, Passenger control system during a plane flying, by Paolo Valletta. Issued Nov 29, 2005.
Problem: A terrorist is onboard, and you want to disable him without harming the other passengers.
Solution: Make all passengers wear armbands that monitors their body for signs of falsehood and evil (ooh, say heart pulsation and blood pressure – hey, it’s in the patent application, mmkay?). And did I mention there’s a syringe filled with a strong tranquilizer connected to the thing? One “anomalous emotional condition,” then off to dreamland they go!
Bonus: Works for unruly kids.
Explosion Containment Net
U.S. Patent 6854374, Explosion containment net, by O. Alan Breazeale. Issued Feb 15, 2005.
That you, Solid Snake?
Problem: Suicide bombers may detonate their bomb and kill a lot of people.
Solution: It may look like an umbrella, but that’s actually a kevlar net fired from a special gun to encapsulate and contain a bomb’s blast. The net also contains a tube for dispensing fire suppressant agent (the tank is worn on the back of the net operator in Figures 6 and 7 above).
Bonus: Great for fishing or tackling
U.S. Patent 6729247, Mobile crematorium, by Andrew and Nelle Brown. Issued May 4, 2004.
Problem: When all effort to prevent a large scale act of terrorism failed and the body count of victims is high, then something is needed to get rid of the bodies …
Solution: A mobile crematorium – basically a combustion chamber on wheels.
Bonus: Probably makes a mean BBQ! Also works to get rid of dead zombies.